A famous quote taken from J.R.R.
Tolkien's masterpiece Lord Of The Rings....
I stumbled across this the other day and it has really stuck with me. Its a very popular quote, actually one of my favorite musicians has an album with the same name, I guess I over looked that. The reason for this post has nothing to do with that, nor does it have to do with what Tolkien meant when he wrote it in context, it has to do with my interpretation of it in my life......
For the past few months I have felt like a wanderer. I feel as if I am very shallow in every aspect of my life. My friendships tend to be shallow, relationships with the opposite sex are even more shallow. I am often puzzled by my actions because even I can't explain them. I am normally pretty outgoing. Now I feel as if I have become very disconnected from people and although I am not wandering physically, I feel that subconsciously I am wandering around my little world. There is no direction, no agenda, and no destination... I just wander.
This can seem frightening at times, but then I came across the quote. "Not all who wander are lost"
I now realize that the origin of all of this can be traced back to my spiritual life. The past few months I have felt as if I have been so cynical about my spiritual life and why I am not sure. So many things have happened over the past few months that have made me hate organized religion. Because of this I have distanced myself from it. I know what you are thinking, "But Matt you work at a church, how can this be?" Well it is possible to work at a church and not feel God. I have not felt his presence in a noticeable way in several months. I left my home church at the end of September for many reasons, but none of which I made public. I told my students and parents that it was just time to go, I "felt" God telling me it was time. That is not entirely true. It was time to go, but not from God, from man. I was constantly disrespected and undermined by my supervisor, who also happened to be my pastor, and best friends father. He was one person to my face and another behind my back, saying malicious things about me to my peers who then came to me in shock telling me of the untrue things he had said. That broke my heart and began driving me away. Then my church proceeded to make decisions that seemed very selfish in my eyes. For instance they bought an electronic sign that was priced at more than half of what the church budgeted for missions... This also a little disheartening. I began to realize that the overall vision of American Christianity is very shallow, at least the way I have seen it. This is the way I see it... The people build a church, they make it huge and flashy to attract people. Then they create perks for going there, coffee shops, books stores, food courts, etc. Also they advertise, T.V.
commercials, billboards, newspapers, and lets not forget huge light up $75,000 Church signs. All this because they want to share the gospel of Christ, well in a sense. The church popularity game then comes into play. My church is better than your church, or "I
didn't like what the pastor said today so we are going to try a new church next week", "oh I heard that new church gives you a free t-shirt and a coffee mug if you come on Sunday morning". OH GOD SAVE ME FROM YOUR FOLLOWERS!!! I have become so discontent with the church and my discontentment is
separating me from God. I grew up thinking these things were
OK. But as I have matured so has my faith, but what about the world around me. People getting so caught up in flash that they miss the point.
I have grown weary of the church and I am very hesitant to get to involved in the regular goings on of the church. And so I wandered
Politics have also turned me away from "Christians". Not all, but some. Before the recent election I was attacked many times by "Christians" who thought that it was
absurd that I would vote for a Democrat and be a Youth Pastor. It is very hard to be liberal and work in an
Evangelical church in the South. I did it though, quietly I took the abuse and the slander, until I had enough, Christian Politics turned me away. So I wandered...
Hypocrisy has no place in the church at all... what is worse, some one who knows they are a sinner, or some one who is but pretends that they are not?
Hypocrisy turned me away. So I wandered.
Matthew 9:10-13
While Jesus was having dinner at Matthew's house, many tax collectors and "sinners" came and ate with him and his disciples.
When the Pharisees saw this, they asked his disciples, "Why does your teacher eat with tax collectors and 'sinners'?"
On hearing this, Jesus said, "It is not the healthy who need a doctor, but the sick.
But go and learn what this means: 'I desire mercy, not sacrifice.' For I have not come to call the righteous, but sinners." Mercy not sacrifice? Love not works. I have not come to the righteous, but sinners.
Amos 8:11-12
11 "The days are coming," declares the Sovereign LORD,
"when I will send a famine through the land—
not a famine of food or a thirst for water,
but a famine of hearing the words of the LORD.
12 Men will stagger from sea to sea
and wander from north to east,
searching for the word of the LORD,
but they will not find it.
I have been wandering for quite some time, but "not all who wander are lost..."
